A Chinese Zodiac I wish you could see more often and feel humble, as it is more likely to be true:
Dog: People born in the Year of the Dog possess some of the worst traits of human nature. They are so acutely honest that you tell them a secret and everyone knows about it the next day. They are as loyal as the monsoon, so it is hard to shake them off. If you love a dog person forget about cheating on them – they won’t leave you come what may. Dr Hannibal Lecter was a Dog. Dog people are the kind of leaders who listen to you only to show you that that they don’t have to agree with you.
Pig: People born in the Year of the Pig are over chivalrous. They treat women like dirt. Pig women are control freaks and won’t let you choose your own underwear. They never give up and don’t have the ability to understand what a ‘lost cause’ means. Apparently, terrorist organisations are headed by Pigs. If you make the mistake of coming close to them, you’ll have to bear their rotten stupidity 24-7. They have a great thirst for knowledge, which makes them think everything is knowledge. They will make you feel like a sorry slob by showing you how to operate a washing machine. Most schoolteachers who swamp children with homework are Pigs.
Rooster: People born in the Year of the Rooster are deep thinkers, conceited and like to stay busy. They always feel they are right and when they are wrong, they think they are misunderstood. Rooster people have nasty habits like dirtying the toilet-seat, nose-digging in public places, and singing in voices that sound best when silent. Rooster people also have severe mood swings. That is why rooster women are in everlasting PMS, while the guys are suicidal.
Monkey: People born in the Year of the Monkey are daydreamers. They cannot accept the fact that they cannot solve every problem on this planet. Everyone trying to find the exact value of Pi, in exclusion to all other things, are Monkey people. The Monkey people’s worst quality is versatility. You make a pie and they are sure to have a finger in it. This makes them irritating. You can’t trust a monkey person at all. Most double agents are Monkeys.
Ram: People born in the Year of Ram are over arty. This makes them super gasbags. They always know how to describe a piece of art in the psuedo-est manner possible. They are the ones who prize activities like wine-tasting to helping a child choking to death next to them. They are also religious fanatics but hide it by using fine words to show killing in God’s name is righteous. Ram people always figure out a way of keeping what is not theirs. Most artistic feudal lords are usually born in this sign.
Horse: People born in the Year of the Horse are popular. They are ones who are responsible for keeping the tradition of the casting couch alive. Horse people sleep their way up and, usually, catch a venereal disease at the end of it. They feel everything in this world can be achieved by sexual favours. Since the world of entertainment is filled with such people, they are usually right. They are instinctually polygamous and think those who are not are prudes. Their lives revolve around the highest bidder, as they think everything is on auction. As all the goal-directed sex kills their sensitivity, they are always cheerful.
Snake: People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. With their depth they turn even the most direct and simple talk into blasphemy or a great political scheme. These people suspect when you praise them. They also have some of the best assassination plans ever thought of by humans. Snake people can be so jealous that even the unthinkable becomes routine for them. Snake have marital problems because they are fickle. It is suspected that Lorena Bobbit was born in this sign.
Dragon: People born in the Year of the Dragon are excitable, short-tempered, and stubborn. They are into adventure sports and always cause tension in other people’s lives by nagging them to do things they don’t want to like scale a cliff or touch a livewire. Since they feel they are always discovering something, they constantly run in the nude crying ‘Eureka’. They are losers because they are masters at the art of false starts. They die early in life not because God loves them or anything, but because they have no respect for life. Archimedes wasn’t born in this sign.
Rabbit: People born in the Year of the Rabbit are madly articulate and ambitious, which makes them crashing bores. You say ‘orange’ and they will launch into a description of oranges, tell you about poems on oranges and what the orange signifies in various endeavours of life. They suffer from manic or compulsive disorders early in life. Their ambition adds to the problem. The Five Hundred, who rode into the Valley of Death where there were cannons to their right and left, were led by a general born in the Year of the Rabbit.
Ox: People born in the Year of the Ox have fierce tempers and words loaded with cyanide. They are kind who can say ‘I love you’ and scare people to death, literally. Most generals of the Khmer Rouge were Ox people. They hate to fail or be opposed. Which makes them murderers. They think killing anything to achieve something is justified. They have no feelings and have bad voices from barking orders at firing squads. They also have bad breath.
Rat: People born in the Year of the Rat are noted for their attraction for the opposite sex. They are likely to be perfectionists and enjoy gossip. Rat people always have an eventful marital life – stringed by divorces and adultery. They love to make tapes of their loved ones and broadcast it on the Internet. Since they are perfectionists, they leave their spouse even if they get a tiny scar on the armpit. The Right Said Fred singers are rat people. Only they could have come up with a line like, ‘I am too sexy for my land, for my land/ New York and Japan.’ When it comes to depth, Rat people have none. They think gossip is philosophical discourse and promiscuity spiritual experience.
Tiger: Tiger people are sensitive, given to deep thinking. Around a Tiger person you have to watch your words. Everything you say could hurt them. Which is why, staying with Tiger people is exhausting. This is worsened by the fact that they think deep. Give them a gift and they’ll wonder what you want in return. They cannot make up their minds and are suspicious of others. People who live with Tigers usually commit suicide.
(By Santanu Borah. Also contact me at atmavan@gmail)
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